Maybe you sift through your stash separating the good from the bad. Maybe you let your candy horde exist in one big pile and you pick it apart piece by piece. Maybe your parents confiscate it all and give you small portions of what they deem acceptable for consumption. Maybe you just eat with reckless abandonment. Whatever your method for choosing your Halloween candy, there is always a small percentage of the treats that will either never be eaten or will be eaten with a sense of regret.

You know the feeling well. A neighbor or friend will drop something into your bucket or pillowcase and your enthusiasm fades because despite your best effort to creatively dress scary, heroic, majestic, or playful they’ve just given you…

9. Smarties – Tiny pills wrapped in rolls of about 20 aren’t necessarily bad, but not good either. You’ll take them because they are sweet, but just barely.

8. Fruity Tootsie Rolls – Original Tootsie Rolls are questionable by their own merit (are they chocolate? what is that?). The fruity ones are gross. What is this candy trying to be? A fruit chew? Not quite.

7. Almond Joy/Mounds – Coconut is a texture that is difficult to overcome. It lacks a great taste to make up for the fact that you feel like you are chewing grass.

6. Good N Plenty – This is good if you like black licorice. However, the people who like black licorice would probably prefer it not look like Benadryl.

5. Necco Wafers – These are nasty. If you’ve never had them, go eat some Tums. It’s like that – only not as good…and doesn’t suppress heartburn.

4. Woppers – Chocolate-covered gravel.

3. Peanut Butter Kisses – You don’t even know who makes these or what they are called (until now) but you know them. They are wrapped in plain orange and black wrappers. And you hate them.

2. Anything that isn’t candy – popcorn balls, apples, stickers, Bible tracts, toothbrushes. Some homes need to get over themselves and hand out Snickers and Nerds like everyone else.

1.  Candy Corn – This is arguably not candy. I can’t believe you can still charge real American dollars for this stuff.


One thought on “The Worst Halloween Candy

  1. I mostly agree with this assessment. However, I do like Almond Joy and Smarties, but the Almond Joy small size bar has only one almond. Boo on that.

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