So here’s the things they didn’t get to in Rules of The Road. This post was inspired by my friend Mikey who asked about pet peeves about things like driving. When I started thinking about them, I not only was reminded that I’m the best driver ever, but that there are a lot of things many of you never seem to have learned. Get your notebook out and take notes.

How To: Drive

1. If you are at the front of any line of cars, no matter if they are moving or waiting at a stop light, it is your responsibility to drive the fastest. Drive fast until you end up at the back of another line. Then responsibility is no longer yours.

2. Never drive the speed limit. Always drive a minimum of 5 mph over the limit. The ONLY exceptions are school zones (when children are present), construction zones, and where there is snow/ice visibly accumulating on the ground.

3. If you and the person in the adjacent lane are traveling the same speed and going the same direction, change your speed or get in his lane.

4. If you pull out in front of someone, you have to either go the same speed or faster than her. Otherwise you must wait until nobody is coming.

5. If you are the front of the line, you must focus solely on accelerating the exact second the light turns green.

6. If you are second in line, it is your responsibility to stay as close to the lead car as possible. Set an example!

7. If you are making a “yield on green” left turn you may enter the middle of the intersection and wait for your opportunity so long as the light is green. There is a 1 car limit on this maneuver. If more than one car is out there and the light turns yellow you will be impeding on the driver attempting to obey rule 5. When this happens it sets off a chain reaction of road rage and bad days at work.

8. If you are in a major city, you aren’t under any circumstances allowed to perform #7. You will cause a traffic jam.

9. If when approaching a right turn the light becomes red BUT you can plainly see that the intersecting lanes contain vehicles waiting to make a left turn and will get a green arrow exclusively for that, THEN there is no need to stop at your red light. Just make that right turn. A simple yield will do, but isn’t necessary.

10. If you get to an intersection and you realize you are in the wrong lane, too dang bad. Suck it up and circle around. Don’t ask the car next to you if you can pull in front of them and do NOT block a line of cars until the lane you need opens up.

11. If you drive a tractor, don’t get on the road.

12. Don’t text and drive. Not just because it’s dangerous, but because your driving is really annoying to everyone else. (ex. exaggerated breaking, looooong lane changes, accelerating too slowly, missing green arrows)

13. Motorcycles exist and people ride them. Drive accordingly.

14. If you are stuck in a drive that makes crossing traffic extremely difficult, just go the wrong way for a block and turn around. Never stick your car out into oncoming traffic causing them to slow or stop until you complete your cross.

15. If you can’t parallel park don’t. If you need more practice a real street with real people driving and parking on it is not the place to get that practice.

16. Ladies: Don’t do your makeup in the mirror while you drive. Imagine how ugly you’ll be if you wreck that vehicle.

17. If there is no right turn lane and you are first at a stop light and notice the guy behind you wants to make a right turn, pull forward just enough so he can squeeze by you. That’s courteous!

18. If you make a mistake while driving apologize with a polite wave or simply hang your head in submissive shame. Don’t get offensive and act like you were in the right.

19. If traffic is backed up and some yahoo zooms up a free lane and tries to cut in the stopped traffic, DO NOT let him in.

20. If the only reason traffic is backed up is because lanes are merging then be polite and helpful with merging. If you needed to merge and someone lets you in, let another one in as well. If you were in the correct lane and allowed one or more to merge then you get a gold star and a hug.

21. Any place that posts a speed limit less than 15mph is just joking around about that.

22. If you get a ticket because a camera caught you running a red light or making an illegal turn then it’s your fault; don’t take it personally. If you get a ticket from a police officer it’s because he doesn’t like you or is simply having a bad day; it’s personal.

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4 thoughts on “How To: Drive

  1. 23. While driving on the interstate, use cruise control. If your car does not have cruise control at least be aware that others might actually have that ability.

    24. As referenced in #7, if you are turning right while are car is waiting to turn left, just freaking turn, you have the right of way. Being polite in this situation only causes confusion.

    1. I keep forgetting to add this one.

      27. You should never own a vehicle that is the same make/model of the local choice for police cruisers. It only makes other drivers nervous and then they all stop obeying some of the other rules…such as the drive fast one.

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