Worst Movies of 2009

To qualify, I only had to have seen the movie in 2009. When it was actually released is not taken into account.

7. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

I feel like this is an easy movie to pick on. It’s a sequel of a superhero movie that was laughable in its first installment. The only thing these films have going for them is Jessica Alba and guess what…she’s invisible! This one is just too corny to be good and in the end I just don’t care about the Silver Surfer. The dialogue didn’t do it any favors either. 2 TPACs

6. The Hurt Locker

Usually the hand-held camera style doesn’t bother me, but it made this movie extremely uncomfortable to watch. It didn’t help that I was not feeling well [after a sketchy dinner] when I got to the theater. The jumpy documentary style shooting made me nauseas. So this movie is about a bomb squad in the middle-east and the pressures they have to deal with. In the end, the main character finally gets out of the hell of war only to realize that a beautiful wife (Lilly Evangeline), a new born baby, and a life out of danger were just not him. He ends up back on the lines and the credits roll. yeah right. 2 TPACs

5. Ninja Assassin

Even my lowest expectations couldn’t prepare me for how bad this was. It kept seeing glimpses of what would have otherwise made a cool plot for a serious ninja movie but it always got washed out by over-the-top violence and super-fake CGI gore. I’m a huge fan of ninjas so it was disappointing to see them portrayed so stupidly (like throwing ninja stars as fast and as frequent as machine gun bullets). And of course in the end the main character pulls out a special power to kill his clan leader after getting hacked to near death. My only thought was…well if he could do that move why didn’t he just do that when the fight started? 2 TPACs

4. Semi Pro

Ever since the spectacular Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy I’ve been wanting to give Will Ferrell a chance as a lead in a comedy. Unfortunately he always seems to come up short and this movie was no exception. It was not funny. Which is a bad thing if it’s a comedy. Woody Harrelson made it bearable, but it was not nearly enough to save the film. Will Ferrell’s comedy style reminds me of when someone tells a dirty joke in mixed company and instead of anyone laughing it just gets quiet and awkward and the host wonders why he invited the jerk in the first place. The movie is about a bad basketball team lead by a has-been one-hit-wonder singer who cares more about his image and showmanship than the sport…but it doesn’t matter really since the movie is garbage. 1 TPAC

3. American Psycho

This is not normally the kind of movie that I watch, but I heard some comments on a different blog about how amazing it was. Well it’s not. The basic idea is that the corporate big shots of the 80s were so similar and there were so few unique qualities about them that one could be a raving murderous lunatic and nobody would know because he looks, dresses, acts, talks, and has the same exact business card as the next. This is of course exactly what happens in the movie which is also the most disturbing part. There is no character in which you might identify and care about. You are simply watching a rogue businessman killing strangers and friend because he’s sick and because they can get into better restaurants and that kind of thing. 1 TPAC

2. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

This was the first (and last) Star Trek to be directed by William Shatner. Lucas told me that people hated the movie so much that Shatner almost went crazy thinking he’d ruined the legacy forever. I don’t know if that’s true, but I believe it after submitting myself to this 107 minutes of torture. We find out that Spock has a 1/2 brother Sybok (yes, really) who is in search of Shaka-Ri which is basically God (yes, really). The enterprise crew and Sybok go after Shaka-Ri and it’s just some weird old man pretending to be God and then they kill him. It ends with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy (get this) sitting around a campfire singing Row Row Row Your Boat. 1 TPAC

1. Max Payne

Max Payne, based of a popular (and fun) video game by the same name, is soooo bad. I mean, it’s badness is so far past the previous movies mentioned that it almost deserves to be its own post. I do this thing now where if someone tells me a movie is bad, I ask them, “is it bad or is it Max Payne bad.” Not only was this the worst movie I saw last year, it’s probably the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. It’s about a cop whose wife is murdered by some lunatics who when on drugs believe they are seeing angels and they kill themselves or something…I don’t even know. I feel like after The Departed everyone decided that Mark Wahlberg was good or something. But I haven’t seen him do anything remotely awesome since then. I guess he just got lucky. His acting seems to be as inconsistent as his discernment about what roles to take. Or perhaps he never even read the script of this movie at all. 1 TPAC (because I don’t give zeros)


3 thoughts on “Worst Movies of 2009

  1. What does God need with a starship? If the old man can take control of the ship and move it into orbit… Why can’t he just move it to where he wants it instead of crying to Kirk to move it? Bad bad bad…..

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