9 Things That Need to Stop Happening on Facebook

9. Change without warning.

This is a small issue that Facebook users alike have been complaining about for some time. I’m typically ok with change. It’s always difficult to adjust, but it can be rather frustrating if change happens over night and without warning. I always “hear” that FB manages to announce upcoming changes, but the truth is they don’t have a good communication system with the users. A simple message to the inbox or an extra banner with links to info would be helpful. However, the biggest problem I have with it, is that people go bananas with status updates, fan pages, polls, and tests all centered around their problem with the “new” FB. Yeah, it’s annoying but seriously…find something else to do with your time besides making lame attempts to get the “old” FB back. Adapt and stop carrying on. Your words won’t change a thing (ironic statement for this particular blog post) and your life will go on. I promise.

8. The most amazing (and ambiguous) status ever (with a link to prove it).

Would you buy a newspaper in which every headline said something like this: “Best Article Ever. (see below)” or “This is Amazing (see page 13)” or perhaps “You Won’t Believe It!! (keep reading).” That would be a sucky newspaper. Likewise, status updates that contain similar exclamations (equipped with a link) are a waste of virtual space. If you really want people to click on the link you should put a small explanation next to it so they know what they are in for. If the “most amazing thing ever” is about a new sewing machine, I’m going to be upset that you tricked me. When you headline another article/movie/website, please describe it. It is very similar to someone who leaves a voice mail saying, “hey call me back I have something really important to talk to you about.” Lame.

7. Relentless baby updates

I’m all good with updates about children. They do and say funny/cute things and it’s great to hear about them. However, get a life! Seriously, whose status are we talking about here? When you do normal everyday things and it happens to include your kids (i.e. breakfast, sleeping, hanging out, going to school) it doesn’t make the status update less of a boring report on your boring life. If you really want your kids to sound awesome and cute and funny, only report the awesome, cute, and funny stuff. Otherwise, nobody cares. Besides, if I wanted to get your kids’ status update I’ll wait till they have their own FB account and be friends with them.

Your status is that I just crapped my pants. Post that why don't ya?

6. Commenting on the weather

Can you be any less original than commenting on the weather and how it makes you feel? I believe the ratio is that the more clever you (think you) are in commenting about the weather the fewer good ideas you have bouncing around in your head.

status updates will be partly cloudy on Thursday.

5. Twitter jibberish

People link their Facebook and Twitter so they only have to post once and the other updates automatically. I get it. I used to do that myself. But unless you are a tweirdo (get it?) it takes some deciphering to understand what exactly is going on. The problem is that 8 of 10 times I don’t really care and the fact that I have to spend extra time looking at your status update just to determine that I don’t care is insult to injury. Think of social networking as Star Trek. People who use social networking could be considered fans of Star Trek, but the people who get caught up in the #thisorthat, @lamefriend, and RT: blah blah blah are like the uber Trekkies that are learning to speak Klingon. Sure, it shows a greater understanding of the Star Trek universe but at the expense of looking like a dweeb. Keep that gibberish to the Twitter universe.

4. Song quotes

You know what’s not a status? A song lyric. Even if a song lyric resembles a status, it most certainly isn’t YOUR status. It was someone else’s (at one time) and you are merely stealing it. If you want a song lyric in your status, please clarify. “I’m listening to this song” or “I like this” or “…is how I feel.” Stop the plagiarism. You don’t appear artsy for stealing someone else’s art.

this is great Facebook material

3. Causes, and games (via Lucas Motley)

Why did I not join your cause? Be “cause” I don’t care.  This little feature was probably invented by the same person who continues to send e-mails claiming that the more you e-mail the more cancer is cured, the more children are fed, and the more African princesses are freed.  Joining your cause means that it is just one more thing I have to “hide”.  I say one more thing because I am also hiding your game that informs me each time you grow a head of lettuce or shoot a gun.  Farming is not a fun thing… ask farmers.  The last fifteen years has seen leaps in technology that brought us HD quality video games and your idea of fun is playing a new version of The Oregon Trail.  Anyone who is a Facebook gamer might as well trade in their computer for an IBM486, tight roll your jeans,  and play cool games on their 5×7 floppy drive while they listen to their record albums on the Victrola.  This would also be fortunate because said computer would not be internet accessible and you could no longer send me invites.  You would just have to tell me how cool your game is over your crackly rotary phone.

In need of a life.

2. Being a ‘fan’

We’re getting into the real nasty stuff with the mention of causes and games. Next is becoming a fan of things. This little exercise seems so arbitrary that it makes me truly believe that people just click things because they are available to click. I know that making a fan page can be advantageous for an organization or team but why does anyone need to become a fan of pizza or the way rain sounds? Do you expect updates from the rain? Is pizza or sunshine going to change and notify you of those changes? Did you click on it because it was there to click on? Yes, yes I believe you did. The worst I’ve seen is people who became fans of “needing a vacation.” Really? You are a fan of being in an emotional/physical state where you need an extended break? You like being stressed? You do realize that it’s not the same as being a fan of going on vacation, right? No, you just click things to click. In fact, I’m almost glad you do. You run up my site visits as long as I post a link (and a non detailed headline) announcing that I’ve made a new blog entry. You just can’t help yourself can you…you monkey!

become a fan of a fan. My head may explode...

1. Quizzes

I could probably devote an entire post to the foolishness that is the Facebook quiz. Nothing makes me question the intelligence and self esteem of my friends more than these quizzes. What, exactly, is the appeal in determining which kitchen appliance best describes you? Why do you need to know how depressed you are? How can knowing which Transformer you most resemble aid you in self-discovery? It’s like our self-obsession has collided with a total lack of self-awareness. Either that or people simply have nothing better to do. I find it somewhat hilarious when someone will take a quiz (which Superhero are you? for example) and then in their comment they put, “this is so true.” Oh guess what…you are nothing like a superhero. That’s what makes them so awesome to read/watch.  They are different (super) and most certainly stronger, smarter, and/or more interesting than….you. No matter how many quizzes I hide, people keep creating new ones. I really don’t care if people take the quizzes, but why they end up in my news feed is beyond me.