Merry Christmas!!

Well it’s been a great week of blogging. I don’t know if I have concentrated that much blogging since the creation of These People Are Crazy. It was challenging for me to come up with all the content, and it was even more challenging to write it all down especially since the only time I had to do it was usually around midnight.

The final post of the Xmas Week Blogging Bonannza is actually a gift from all of us over here at TPAC. I say “us” because our gift is the most recent PODCAST. We recorded this a month ago or so but I’ve been waiting for a good time to release it. It’s still not syncing right with iTunes, so don’t even try going there. Hopefully in the near future we’ll have more episodes and an easier way to access them. But for now I give you:

These People Are Crazy: The Podcast – Episode 15

Show Notes:
-A Movie We Haven’t Seen (The Fourth Kind)
-Gross Foods from McDonald’s Around The Globe
-The Final Countdown

Fun Xmas Memories

The following are just some random Christmas morning memories.

Waking up mom and dad (oh the horror).

Little boys are usually too excited to sleep well on Xmas eve. My brothers and I would wake up Xmas day before the sun and want to immediately wake up my parents and begin the chaos of opening presents. I always felt a little bad waking up my parents so early in the morning because on the other 364 days of the year waking mom and dad up super early would spell trouble. So with the element of risk in the air my brothers and I would find creative ways to wake them up. One or more years I would wake up everyone by playing christmas carols on the piano which was probably lovely. One year my younger brother and I decided to simply run up and down the hall screaming as loud as we possibly could. It seemed like a funny idea at the time but my parents didn’t see it that way.

presents, NOW!

Imagine getting jarred awake to the blood curdling screams of your own children and having to process what might be the cause of such vocal anguish. Perhaps the house was on fire. Maybe the dog was dead in the living room. Maybe a thief had broken into the house. Or maybe you were just the parents of some very hyper boys on Christmas morning. I’m certain they would have preferred the piano.

Look what I got!

Opening presents is so much fun. When you are a kid and toys are cheap you get tons of presents and you spend a long time opening them all up. One year in the fury of opening gifts and everyone ooh-ing and ahhh-ing each others’ prizes my younger brother Adam took it upon himself to open just any ol’ gift that was close to him. When nobody was looking he unwrapped a gift that was clearly for someone else. It was a beautiful and delicate piece of jewelry.

Everyone was distracted looking at something my mother had just unwrapped when Adam caught everyone’s attention by exclaiming, “Look what I got!” He held the necklace up victorious. It was so funny and we all had a good laugh except for Adam who was too young at the time to realize what was going on. Actually, I’m not sure I thought it was funny, but I knew that it was not his gift and I probably did one of those little kid gasps intended to show that you know that your brother has done something he shouldn’t have. This gasp is great at alerting parents of trouble. You can tattle on someone without saying a word.

Pleasants.

We used to meet up with our cousins on Thanksgiving. When we were kids aunts and uncles would buy gifts for their nieces and nephews. I’m not sure why we stopped doing that. One of the last years that we did a cousin gift exchange my cousin Kyle kept referring to the gifts as “pleasants.” It was pretty darn cute. He was always saying, “can we open the pleasants now?” It got the point where everyone kept egging him on about the gifts just so we could hear him innocently call them pleasants.

peasants. not as exciting

When the big moment came he excitedly tore away the wrapping paper and shouted, “It’s just what I’ve always wanted!!!!…what is it?” The room erupted in laughter. My parents had put several smaller gifts in a box and wrapped it up. So when he first unwrapped his gift it was likely just a plain brown packing box…just what he always wanted!

If my memory serves me correctly, my brothers and I each got a velcro wallet with a $5 bill inside.

Sorry, I thought it was garbage.

My younger brother Adam is often the subject of many great Christmas memories told around our dinner table during the holidays. He was notoriously bad at wrapping gifts using copious amounts of paper and tape. He would also spell everyone’s name wrong on the little to/from labels. I remember teasing him relentlessly about labeling a gift “Timithy” with a giant sharpie marker.

One year when we were in high school a friend named Matt lived with us for about a year. We included him in our Christmas just like he was one of our own family and my brothers and I all had fun getting him a gift. At the very end of all the gift unwrapping Adam asked Matt, “hey aren’t you going to unwrap my gift?” Matt replied, “oh, this right here? Sorry, I thought this was garbage.”

merry Christmas, Matt

It’s true (and hilarious) that the gift was so horribly wrapped that next to all the discarded and torn wrapping paper it just looked like a wad of garbage. Of course we all laughed uncontrollably and I guarantee you that story is told every year in our household. We’ll never forget the year that Matt confused his gift with a wad of trash! The best part is that my sister in-law, Lyndsay, enjoys telling these stories as much as we do and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE!

Why don’t you guys use those sleds?

One year, some length of time after Christmas…maybe a month later…we had a big snow storm and it was the kind of blizzard that inspires people to go sledding. As we gathered up unmatched boots and gloves we started pondering what we’d do for a sled. My parents asked us, “why don’t you guys use those new sleds we bought you for Christmas.” In unison we responded, “we didn’t get any sleds for Christmas.”

5 minutes later my dad emerged from the hall closet with a few brightly colored plastic sleds that he’d hidden in a garment bag and completely forgot about when putting presents under the tree.

Did I catch a Niner in there?

Our family dog was named Niner. We got her on 9.9.89 and that’s how she got the name. She wasn’t allowed to be in the carpeted areas of the house. Only the video game room and the kitchen and the basement (and of course outside). She would usually sneak out onto “the carpet” in the middle of the night and sleep right in front of my younger brother’s door.

We always set up our tree in either the dining room (adjacent to the kitchen) or the living room which was separate from the rest of the house. One year when we had Xmas morning and the tree in the dining room, Niner was just chilling out in the kitchen watching us gather to read the Gospel story and sing a carol together. She seemed to be okay when we were reading from the Bible, but when we started to sing carols she really wanted to be with us, so she layed on the ground half in the kitchen and half on the carpet and started the funniest looking army crawl out to the dining room. It was like she was trying to be sneaky but in plain sight. We couldn’t even finish singing our song because we started laughing so hard. We gave her the okay and she came bounding over to us and spent Christmas morning with her family on “the carpet.”

I hope you get the chance to have your own funny stories remembered this year. Or maybe you just need to create some new ones. Either way, merry Christmas!

I Strongly Dislike Christmas Programs

I strongly dislike Christmas programs since they are so often located outside in the blistering cold. When you are a “preacher’s kid” you get volunteered to do way more dirty work than nearly everyone else’s kid. You were default free labor. When you are employed by a church you get paid to do that rotten work but that doesn’t really make it more enjoyable. Here’s a run down of these atrocious events.

It All Started With The Pantomime.

I was very young and my part was very small. I was a playing the part of one of the village children that would come running up to the baby Jesus in order to give him a gift and sing a song. But for some reason, the production folks decided that even the kids with the 2 min appearance needed to wear makeup. I didn’t like the fact that I had to put on makeup and liked it even less as it was being applied to my face. That’s where it all begins. Associating Christmas programs with a sense of apprehention and dislike. Not a very good start.

that's contempt in those eyes.

The Bethlehem Walk of Shame.

The church I grew up in decided to do a Bethlehem Walk when I was in school.  This is where the church puts on a big drama in which people come, get divided up into clans, and get an interactive experience with what Joseph and Mary might have had long, long ago. You see an old man prophesying the coming of the Christ, watch the angel Gabriel appear to Mary and Joseph, travel to the inn (which is full), get harassed by Roman guards and officials, hear the sounds and see the crafts of a bustling market place…AND THEN FREEZE YOUR BUTT OFF WHILE LISTENING TO YOUR GUIDE HURL INSULTS AT THE SHEPHERDS. Sounds kind of cool, except for maybe the part about the shepherds. That was me, a shepherd who is uneducated and smells like “sheep and dung.” Awesome.

The first year we did the Bethlehem walk we had such a bad snow storm that we had to move the entire market place indoors. The Shepherds had to stay outside. I was miserable. I already didn’t want to do the thing and on top of it I got the worst job…. or so I thought.

You Have To Push A Button To Save The World

After my rotten first (and freezing) experience with being a shepherd I decided to go with a more behind the scenes job. I figured I could dress as warmly as I wanted, I wouldn’t have to wear a costume, and best of all I didn’t have to memorize lines. I got a job operating the tape player at the very end of the Bethlehem Walk. All I did was push play so that the folks playing Mary and Joseph could sing along with the accompaniment track. Then, I’d rewind the tape and wait for the next group. Oh yeah, I was behind a wall in the dark, by myself. It was so boring and I hated every second of it.

Angels We Have Heard on High

After college I got this gig at Mega Church Missouri where their Bethlehem Walk is called the Journey To Bethlehem and it is about 10 times bigger. The production value was outstanding and since nearly the entire thing was staged outside in some wooded area behind the church it was much more immersive. I still hated it though.

I got the job of leading the team of angels which I realized by year two that it must be some kind of punishment or bad karma or something. Every group was provided with a fire pit or was stationed inside so that all of the hundreds of volunteers could stay warm. Every group except, of course, the stinkin’ angels. But it gets worse. I wasn’t just an angel. I had to get teens to volunteer for the worst job of the whole event, and THEN act excited about the whole thing. I guess they must’ve liked me or something because I have no idea how I got them all to stand out in the cold/rain/snow/mud with no source of heat, wear a ridiculous costume, and sing Angels We Have Heard on High about 50 times per night for 4 nights in a row. That was the real Christmas miracle.

And Then We Did It In Public

At this point I think Christmas Programs are lost on me. I’ll never be excited about them unless I am just watching them by my own free will. At least the times I’ve described thus far, they were on our home turf and yeah I felt silly but you came to see me, I didn’t go participate in this crazieness out in public. Enter the Christmas Walk.

I’ve been around for 4 Christmas Walks. This event is me begging teens to go act out a live nativity in downtown Oswego. There are no lines, just action mixed with narration and a few Christmas Carols. It was certainly way less work that the other Walks, but not any more fun. The difficult part was that, again, I had to ask teens to freeze outside while wearing shabby robes. But these teens have been extremely reluctant to participate because we’re out in public and they know their friends are going to see them and well reputations are probably on the line. So on top of the freezing cold and overall distaste for this kind of thing, I now have to add stress that some kids simply won’t show up because they think it’s lame or maybe they think their friends will think it’s lame. And did they sometimes not show up. You bet. Ugh…I hate this stuff.

slightly warmer than the Xmas Walk

Last year at the warmest part of the day it was a whopping 4 degrees F. All the Bible characters looked like beached whales because of the amount of clothing they had to wear under their costumes. The upside is that other than organizing students, running practices, sorting through costumes, setting up sound and stage, and making frantic reminder calls, all I had to do was sing about 10 Christmas carols a cappella using a pitch pipe that was sketchy at best in the cold. Blah.

The Final Straw Was in the Barn

As if the Christmas Walk wasn’t enough torture, I also had to organize the students to put on a pageant for kids (not including kids) with the high schoolers. The pageant would be located in the loft of a working barn (which means filled with cats, goats, chickens, sheep, and LOTS of poop). Yep, I must be some kind of genius to get high school kids to act like a member of the Wiggles in a frigid barn, wear another silly costume, memorize lines, and do it all for free. But I did just that 3 years in a row.

If it were up to me, I’d never do an outdoor Christmas Program ever again. But these things are hardly ever up to me. Christmas Eve (candle light) services hold a special place in my heart and I’m extremely excited about tomorrow’s service. But I can’t handle the outdoor stuff. Maybe I should move to Florida or something.

Xmas Movies I Try To See Every Year

Watching movies is one of my favorite hobbies. Next month I’ll be making a slew of movie posts that will likely reveal some of my passion for movies. Today I wanted to focus on the Christmas movies I [want to] come back to year after year.

1. Mickey’s Christmas Carol (1983)

As far as I’m concerned it’s the only version that needs to be seen. It’s far shorter than other versions and contains a good mix of humor, scary moments, and of course the warm feelings that *usually* accompany Disney characters and films. Technically not a full feature film, but for this tired story it’s a perfect length.

My favorite scene is when the ghost, Jacob (Goofy) first appears to Scrooge and holds up two fingers stating, “tonight, you’ll be visited by 3 spirits.”

2. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

Not only is this movie the best of all the Vacation movies, it is also one of the best Christmas movies of all time. The chaos of the Griswold house is just fun to watch and I think everyone identifies with at least one character or situation in this film. Also, this is probably one of the most quotable movies I can think of. The comedy is superb and its fun to relish in the good days of Chevy Chase.

My favorite scene is Clark Griswold flirting with the lingerie sales woman in the mall. When she asks if she can take something out for him and he starts laughing uncontrollably, so do I.

3. A Christmas Story (1983)

This movie I never watch intentionally, but always end up watching it every year because one station always plays it for 24hrs continuously. When I’m flipping and land on it, I watch it. Not as quotable as Christmas Vacation, but the scenes are so memorable.

My favorite scene is the same as yours. Ohhh fuuuudge!!!

4. Home Alone (1990)

This movie is awesome. I just want to get that out there. I’d also like to point out that the soundtrack to this movie is equally awesome. Christmas (in my book) would not be the same without Kevin and the “Wet Bandits.”

My favorite scene exists inside the grand finale of Kevin demolishing the robbers. It’s the final straw for Marv when he gets a tarantula placed on his face and he screams like a banshee.

5. Die Hard (1988)

Bruce Willis throws Professor Snape off the roof of a sky scraper! What more could you ask for at Christmas time? This movie practically redefined the action genre with its awesome fight/shooting scenes and one liners as well as launching ol’ Bruce Willis’ career into the big time.

My favorite scene involves the catch phrase Yippe-ki-yay and I can’t really show it here, but it’s the ultimate of the hero finally overcoming the evil against unbeatable odds.

family friendly

Honorable Mentions:
-Babes in Toyland
-The Santa Clause
-Gremlins

Hughes Family Holiday Traditions

Everyone has their own traditions and these are the more recent ones shared by my family. Since my brothers and I have grown up (at least in age) and moved away some of our holiday traditions have had to change, but the following are a number of my favorites.

You Can Take That Turkey And Stuff It!

For the better part of a decade our family has forsaken the traditional T[giving] and Xmas day food of choice, turkey. I vividly remember my mother asking us (the boys) one year, “would you guys rather have turkey or steak this year?” It seemed like a no-brainer at the time and it still does nearly 10 years later. We’d all always rather have steak than bird. Always.

not a Hughes

We don’t just have steak, but a family dish we’ve affectionately named, Teriyaki. Hughes Family Teriyaki is older than our holiday tradition. I’ve asked my mother where the recipe came from and she told me that my grandmother picked it out of the newspaper when it used to publish recipes and that kind of thing. I’m not sure about the actual dates [and I'm sure my mother will clarify in the comments] but I like to think of the recipe being in the family for centuries. Or at least being around since before I was born.

The recipe is essentially cubed chuck roast marinated in a home-made teriyaki sauce [brown sugar, soy sauce, ginger, etc.] and then grilled. It might be the best way to eat a roast and I prefer it over a tender ribeye every time. Turkey cannot hold a candle to the flavor of this dish and anyone that has had T[giving] or Xmas dinner with my family could testify to it’s greatness.

Dinner and a Movie

This one is associated with T[giving]. After an outstanding meal on Thanksgiving the ‘kids’ go to a movie while the grandparents put the grandkids to bed, which I suspect, to them, is more fun than a movie anyway.

It’s a fairly simple tradition, but I look forward to it every year. The trouble is finding a movie that we can all agree on. This year I had to put my foot down on seeing A Christmas Carol because A) I already know the story and I’m not paying 10 bucks to see it, and B) animated movies that lack a strong cartoony look are flat out creepy (see Polar Express). We saw 2012 and it was great. Here’s the others we’ve seen on Thanksgiving day.

Beowulf – I had no idea it was animated unitl 0:20 into the movie.
James Bond: Casino Royale
James Bond: Quantum of Solace – movie was as bad as the title.

Ok that’s all I can remember. Not a particularly long-standing tradition, but one that I happen to enjoy.

All I Want For Christmas Cola

Growing up, my parents would not buy us the ‘good stuff’ in regards to soda. Probably due to the fact that little boys leave half-drank (grammar? help me out Charissa) cans of soda all over the house and as it stands is a huge waste of money. We had to settle for Big K, the Kroger cola knock-off. Except when Xmas time came around (along with family members to treat right) they splurged and bought the real deal, Coca Cola Classic. My mouth waters just typing that.

merry Christmas

One Christmas, we had dumped what seemed like 1,000 cans of this nectar-of-the-gods in a family sized, blue cooler with enough ice to keep it chilled for days. Whenever you were thirst or whenever you remembered there was delicious coke available you could just grab one out of the cooler without worry of depleting the vast supply. My older brother and I were watching a movie…probably National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and I get up to get a Coke. He says to me, “Hey brother, would you get me a Coke too? Would you get me a Christmas Cola?” I replied with the largest grin in history ever associated with fetching cans of soda, “yes, I will get you a Christmas Cola!”

He didn’t know it at the time, but he had just coined a phrase that would last in our family for all time. Most people believe that our family calls it Christmas Cola because at Christmas, Coke decorates the cans most festively with Santa Clauses and Polar Bears and while that certainly helps people draw logical conclusions, we are certainly more creative than that! The truth is that we call it Christmas Cola because we only got it at Christmas! I laugh when I think about interested people have been about this quirky little thing our family does.

Luke 2

Since I got a full-time job working for a church, I’ve always approached the Christmas season a little disgruntled. It’s probably the reason Xmas music is so important to me, keeping my spirits lifted. While many are taking time off to spend with their families, church workers are putting in over time and for my family it means no Christmas on Christmas. The kicker is that the last 3 years I’ve actually had to work on Christmas day. This bugs me because I feel like the best worship service you could have on Christmas day is the one you participate in your own home. Which brings me to my family tradition.

if you Google Image Search 'Luke 2' this is on the front page. sorry.

Since I can remember we have taken some time on Christmas morning to celebrate Christ. The most prominent piece is our reading of the birth of Jesus from the gospel according to Luke. There are no instruments, no pastors (well, you know what I mean), no scripted services, just our family reading and remembering the Story. Other than the togetherness of family, it is the most important thing we do that day. You don’t need a church and its staff to worship. You can be drawn to the presence of God in your own living room.

Be On Your Best Behavior

Since I was in school my parents have always found someone to invite over to T[giving] or Xmas dinner. I don’t know where they find these folks! It’s always some couple that doesn’t have family in the area and clearly has nothing else to do on Xmas than to spend time with a wacky family that is fowl-atarian and thinks Coca Cola is a gift from the good Lord himself.

There is a particular couple that spent Xmas day with us for several years in a row. This was during the technology era of our house when all we’d get Dad for Xmas was the stuff to help him evolve out of his VHS, cassette tape, and record player phase. Every year we’d get him a new gadget. A DVD player, a home surround sound system, and that kind of thing. Then after dinner Kevin (part of the mystery couple) who worked in technology and computers would help us set up the gadgetry. Then we’d all play video games and laugh our butts off while dad and Kevin attempted to fly Xwings and snowspeeders.

our Christmas morning.

All in all, it’s been a great joy to include another family into our own over the years. Sometimes that includes people getting married and having kids (not me, of course) and other times that means bringing in outsiders to enjoy our craziness. Hopefully via this blog you can feel like a part of our family this year too.

UPDATE: I forgot one of my favorite traditions! Christmas morning my mother always makes some kind of egg & cheese casserole and every year I refuse to eat it. So gross.

Awesome Versions of Awesome Xmas Songs

1. O Come O Come Emmanuel by Selah

This is one of those songs that I think is important for the season. It captures the anticipation of the Christ by a people with a long history of oppression and a great need for a King. I feel like this version of the song really taps into that sense of longing.

2. Last Christmas by Jimmy Eat World

This is a highly repetitive song originally done by Wham! and can be tough to listen to if you aren’t in the mood. I think Jimmy Eat World has a much more compelling reboot of this song. It’s always fun to hear an alternative rock band cover Christmas songs.

3. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Christopher Kincaid

This is a fun little song that has true Christmas spirit. It’s one of my favorites. I really enjoy Kindaid’s version because of the simple and raw sound and the acoustic guitar adaptation is so warm which matches the lyrics perfectly.

4. Christmas Time is Here by Mercy Me

If you had a childhood you probably remember the Charlie Brown Christmas and this song. I’m a huge fan of the original but I also love Mercy Me’s version. If you’d consider yourself a fan of Xmas music you should probably own both A Charlie Brown Christmas by Vince Guaraldi Trio and The Christmas Sessions by Mercy Me.

5. Silent Night by Russ Lee

Just to get it out there, I’m not a Russ Lee fan. In fact, his song Hear Those Bells only missed my Xmas Songs That Suck list because I only remembered it two days after I’d already published. But he totally nails Silent Night and for that I give him props. The first time I heard it, I got chills.

6. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Rascal Flatts

Them boys know how to sing! I normally don’t promote anything country, but I enjoy the upbeat sound for this song. They include some of their own lyrics and they are a great fit. Rascal Flatts don’t have a Xmas album. This somewhat obscure track shows up on the album No Wrapping Required.

7. Carol of the Bells by Barlow Girl

I actually think this is one of those songs that’s so good that no artist could screw it up. Even the Mannheim Steamroller version is decent. If you enjoy the vocal lics and harmonies of Barlow Girl then you’ll totally dig this. Unfortunately, the whole album isn’t as good as what they’ve done here, but a few tracks might be worth grabbing.

I could go on, but I’d rather hear your recommendations! So what are some great versions of great songs?

Yeah, happened this morning

Our UAV is online!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call of Duty 4 PWND!!!!!!

8 Christmas Songs That Suck

Click on song titles to hear the atrocities (just in case you don’t know them).

1. SAME AULD LANG SIGN by Dan Fogelberg

The song sucks because…

First of all, this isn’t even a Christmas song. If it weren’t for the fact that the setting is “Christmas Eve” there wouldn’t be any reason to believe Xmas has anything to do with it. Auld Lang Sign isn’t a Christmas song either. In the US it’s a popular new years song and auld lang sign means days gone by. So why I’m hearing this song on the radio crammed between Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman is beyond me.

not pictured: Dan Fogelberg's depression

Next, this song is depressing. It’s basically about Danny Fogelberg running into an old lover and them telling each other how she married the wrong guy and he hates traveling. They down a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon outside a liquor store. No presents, no cookies, no Santa, no baby Jesus, nothing. Even the snow turns to rain at the end. Lame.

Finally, this song is a “story telling song,” which (unless we’re talking about Billy Joel) is going to set off my hey-this-is-crap sensors. I can’t help but be reminded of “Trapped In A Closet” by R. Kelly…I don’t think we want that kind of rubbish in our Christmas tunes.

inspiration.

The worst lyric is…

“She went to hug me and she spilled her purse. And we laughed until we cried.”

Oh come on! You laughed because of a spilled purse? Have you ever seen a woman spill her purse? It’s usually not something she finds funny. Besides, this is the problem with songs that are a narrative AND rhyme – the finished product makes no dang sense.

now THAT is funny.

2. GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST as made popular by Amy Grant

The song sucks because…

It’s confusing. At the beginning we’re talking to Santa! You know…big beard, bowl full of jelly, leaves presents for hopeful children. Yet instead of going along with the playful nature of Santa, the song gets all serious talking about war and lying. You can’t say… “seriously though, Santa, I’d like world piece.” Either you aren’t serious about the person you are talking to, or you aren’t serious about what you are asking for. You can’t have both.

IF Santa could bring about that kind of change and healing don’t you think he would?! If not, what kind of sick and twisted person is this Santa?

Santa actually prefers war

I find this song whinny and annoying. It just doesn’t feel like the spirit of Christmas if you wallow around in the world’s problems. It’s supposed to be the season to celebrate, not sulk.

The worst lyric is…

“Well heaven surely knows, that packages and bows, can never heal a hurting human soul.”

That’s right, offering gifts to one another has absolutely no effect on emotional pain and stress…heaven knows it! If you’ve ever given someone a gift to cheer them up then you’ve done them a disservice. If the above lyric is even remotely accurate, then you can include “crappy songs filled with pipe-dream ideals” along with packages and bows.

3. CHRISTMAS SHOES by Newsong

You just HAD to know this was coming. This song single handedly has the power to put me in a bah-humbug mood. If this list were in ranking order it would easily be number 1. Here’s how listening to this song goes.

1st listen: you cry.
2nd listen: you think “man, that’s a sad song.”
3rd listen: you fantasize about ripping out your stereo and tossing over the next bridge
4th listen: you turn the radio off before the song’s evil powers can infiltrate your otherwise positive attitude.

The song sucks because…

It is a song that intentionally goes for emotional manipulation for purposes unknown to those whose soul’s are still intact.

he totally gets it, though

The biggest issue is the boy.

The boy seems young because:

-he believes his mother needs to look a certain way when she dies
-he says ‘daddy’ instead of ‘dad.’
-he doesn’t understand money and how to count and/or use it….HOWEVER

He seems older because:

-he’s out on his own w/o parental supervision
-he has a decent grasp and memory of Christmases past and that his mother “did without”
-he understands the idea that time is short and that his mother will soon be dead.

Clearly this is no real boy, but a tool of manipulation. Its a story-telling song, so that makes it even worse.

The worst lyric is…

“Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes.” Yeah right… Actually it’s just the whole concept of the song that bugs me the most. Why on earth is this kid out buying shoes when his mother is clearly on her deathbed? I bet his mother would rather spend time with her children in her final moments than have a pair of cheap shoes.

A side note. My friends Nick and Lucas discovered that if you sing the song so that the object is “christmas boobs” rather than “christmas shoes” it not only makes the song much more tolerable but downright hilarious!

4. WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME by Paul McCartney

The song sucks because…

This song like most Beatles songs has that Lo-Fi sound that makes it seem empty. Also like many of the Beatles’ songs it’s overly simplistic in both arrangement and lyrics. I’m not the biggest fan of Paul or the Beatles though I understand their contribution to the rock/pop world, but did anyone ever look at these guys and go “hey this music isn’t that great?” I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I don’t hate it, but it’s not good.

Oh and that synthesizer…ugh it’s sooo terrible!

The worst lyric is…

“Love choir of children sing their song. ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong.” According to the song, they’ve been practicing that all year long…which effectively makes them the worst children’s choir in the world.

5. THE MAN WITH ALL THE TOYS by The Beach Boys

This song sucks because…

How would you like it (bop) if I wrote (bop) a blog (bop) with a mercilessly repeated meaningless word (bop) and you had no choise (bop) to read it (bop). Yeah that would suck right. Well that’s what the Beach Boys did with this little number. I can’t even legitimately listen to the song w/o getting distracted by that nonsense.

The worst lyric is…

“Bop.”

6. THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY by Kathrine K. Davis

This song sucks because…

You know what the little drummer boy is about? It’s about a boy who meets baby Jesus and wants to give him a gift and he ends up playing a nice drum solo. Sounds good right? I actually like the story of this song, I think it’s cool. It’s a little more realistic then the man-child out buying Christmas shoes. But the song gets on my nerves for the same reason the Beach Boys should’ve been hung in public for Man With All The Toys. Pa rum pum pum pum.

I just can’t take any artist seriously when I hear them sing pa rum pum pum pum. It doesn’t sound like a drum at all. It just sounds stupid. Remember Little Caesar’s Pizza? Remember how when ordering the special you just couldn’t bring yourself to say “pleaser pleaser” or something ridiculous like that so you’d just say, “uh I’ll have this deal” while pointing at your coupon. It’s the same way with goofy lyrics in songs like the Little Drummer Boy.

no pizza is worth this humiliation

The worst lyric is…

“Pa rum pum pum pum.“

7. EVERYTHING EVER DONE BY MANNHIEM STREAMROLLER

…which isn’t a song, I’m just saying that all their songs are bad.

These songs suck because…

The sound is dated and terrible. Whenever I hear this stuff I imagine a couple of musicians picked up from a few decades ago (via time machine) and then trapped in a room with nothing but Casio keyboards set to mimic real instruments and are then forced to make Xmas arrangements. They simply DO NOT update their sound and as more time passes their music becomes more difficult to hear.

beware the "demo" button

The worst lyric is…

Well, there are no lyrics.

8. BLUE CHRISTMAS as made popular by Elvis Presley

This song sucks because…

Everything about this song is simply blah. From the melody, to the lyrics, to the instrumentation. Seriously, nothing exciting happens in this song…even the backup singers sound like they are about to pass out. I usually like blues but just because you say you are blue (over and over) it doesn’t mean your sound resonates with an otherwise exciting genre of music.

The worst lyric is…

“And when those blue snowflakes start falling, that’s when those blue memories start calling.” Blue snowflakes? Good grief..

note: not real

9 Things That Need to Stop Happening on Facebook

9. Change without warning.

This is a small issue that Facebook users alike have been complaining about for some time. I’m typically ok with change. It’s always difficult to adjust, but it can be rather frustrating if change happens over night and without warning. I always “hear” that FB manages to announce upcoming changes, but the truth is they don’t have a good communication system with the users. A simple message to the inbox or an extra banner with links to info would be helpful. However, the biggest problem I have with it, is that people go bananas with status updates, fan pages, polls, and tests all centered around their problem with the “new” FB. Yeah, it’s annoying but seriously…find something else to do with your time besides making lame attempts to get the “old” FB back. Adapt and stop carrying on. Your words won’t change a thing (ironic statement for this particular blog post) and your life will go on. I promise.

8. The most amazing (and ambiguous) status ever (with a link to prove it).

Would you buy a newspaper in which every headline said something like this: “Best Article Ever. (see below)” or “This is Amazing (see page 13)” or perhaps “You Won’t Believe It!! (keep reading).” That would be a sucky newspaper. Likewise, status updates that contain similar exclamations (equipped with a link) are a waste of virtual space. If you really want people to click on the link you should put a small explanation next to it so they know what they are in for. If the “most amazing thing ever” is about a new sewing machine, I’m going to be upset that you tricked me. When you headline another article/movie/website, please describe it. It is very similar to someone who leaves a voice mail saying, “hey call me back I have something really important to talk to you about.” Lame.

7. Relentless baby updates

I’m all good with updates about children. They do and say funny/cute things and it’s great to hear about them. However, get a life! Seriously, whose status are we talking about here? When you do normal everyday things and it happens to include your kids (i.e. breakfast, sleeping, hanging out, going to school) it doesn’t make the status update less of a boring report on your boring life. If you really want your kids to sound awesome and cute and funny, only report the awesome, cute, and funny stuff. Otherwise, nobody cares. Besides, if I wanted to get your kids’ status update I’ll wait till they have their own FB account and be friends with them.

Your status is that I just crapped my pants. Post that why don't ya?

6. Commenting on the weather

Can you be any less original than commenting on the weather and how it makes you feel? I believe the ratio is that the more clever you (think you) are in commenting about the weather the fewer good ideas you have bouncing around in your head.

status updates will be partly cloudy on Thursday.

5. Twitter jibberish

People link their Facebook and Twitter so they only have to post once and the other updates automatically. I get it. I used to do that myself. But unless you are a tweirdo (get it?) it takes some deciphering to understand what exactly is going on. The problem is that 8 of 10 times I don’t really care and the fact that I have to spend extra time looking at your status update just to determine that I don’t care is insult to injury. Think of social networking as Star Trek. People who use social networking could be considered fans of Star Trek, but the people who get caught up in the #thisorthat, @lamefriend, and RT: blah blah blah are like the uber Trekkies that are learning to speak Klingon. Sure, it shows a greater understanding of the Star Trek universe but at the expense of looking like a dweeb. Keep that gibberish to the Twitter universe.

4. Song quotes

You know what’s not a status? A song lyric. Even if a song lyric resembles a status, it most certainly isn’t YOUR status. It was someone else’s (at one time) and you are merely stealing it. If you want a song lyric in your status, please clarify. “I’m listening to this song” or “I like this” or “…is how I feel.” Stop the plagiarism. You don’t appear artsy for stealing someone else’s art.

this is great Facebook material

3. Causes, and games (via Lucas Motley)

Why did I not join your cause? Be “cause” I don’t care.  This little feature was probably invented by the same person who continues to send e-mails claiming that the more you e-mail the more cancer is cured, the more children are fed, and the more African princesses are freed.  Joining your cause means that it is just one more thing I have to “hide”.  I say one more thing because I am also hiding your game that informs me each time you grow a head of lettuce or shoot a gun.  Farming is not a fun thing… ask farmers.  The last fifteen years has seen leaps in technology that brought us HD quality video games and your idea of fun is playing a new version of The Oregon Trail.  Anyone who is a Facebook gamer might as well trade in their computer for an IBM486, tight roll your jeans,  and play cool games on their 5×7 floppy drive while they listen to their record albums on the Victrola.  This would also be fortunate because said computer would not be internet accessible and you could no longer send me invites.  You would just have to tell me how cool your game is over your crackly rotary phone.

In need of a life.

2. Being a ‘fan’

We’re getting into the real nasty stuff with the mention of causes and games. Next is becoming a fan of things. This little exercise seems so arbitrary that it makes me truly believe that people just click things because they are available to click. I know that making a fan page can be advantageous for an organization or team but why does anyone need to become a fan of pizza or the way rain sounds? Do you expect updates from the rain? Is pizza or sunshine going to change and notify you of those changes? Did you click on it because it was there to click on? Yes, yes I believe you did. The worst I’ve seen is people who became fans of “needing a vacation.” Really? You are a fan of being in an emotional/physical state where you need an extended break? You like being stressed? You do realize that it’s not the same as being a fan of going on vacation, right? No, you just click things to click. In fact, I’m almost glad you do. You run up my site visits as long as I post a link (and a non detailed headline) announcing that I’ve made a new blog entry. You just can’t help yourself can you…you monkey!

become a fan of a fan. My head may explode...

1. Quizzes

I could probably devote an entire post to the foolishness that is the Facebook quiz. Nothing makes me question the intelligence and self esteem of my friends more than these quizzes. What, exactly, is the appeal in determining which kitchen appliance best describes you? Why do you need to know how depressed you are? How can knowing which Transformer you most resemble aid you in self-discovery? It’s like our self-obsession has collided with a total lack of self-awareness. Either that or people simply have nothing better to do. I find it somewhat hilarious when someone will take a quiz (which Superhero are you? for example) and then in their comment they put, “this is so true.” Oh guess what…you are nothing like a superhero. That’s what makes them so awesome to read/watch.  They are different (super) and most certainly stronger, smarter, and/or more interesting than….you. No matter how many quizzes I hide, people keep creating new ones. I really don’t care if people take the quizzes, but why they end up in my news feed is beyond me.

Exerpts From The Lutheran Handbook

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so I thought I’d break out one of the better entries. Again, I’m not making any of this up, it’s a straight copy.

HOW TO AVOID GETTING BURNED AT THE STAKE

Burning at the stake has a centuries long history as punishment for heretics. (A heretic is someone who challenges established church teachings). Some historians argue that many heretics have performed an essential function by forcing the church to clarify its position.

Martin Luther himself was declared a heretic by the pope in in 1521, when he would not recant his teachings, but he survived under the protection of a friendly prince. While heretics are no longer treated this way, it is nevertheless good to be prepared.

1. Avoid public heresy.

Heresy is any formal public statement that disagrees with the church on an issue of dogma. The Lutheran church was founded upon such statements. Martin Luther’s Ninety-Five Theses, for example, were heretical and entered as evidence at the Diet of Worms in 1521.

Here’s what to do if you are accused of heresy:

• Demand an immediate public trial. By this point, your rights may have evaporated. Speak up anyway.

• State your position clearly and repeatedly. Get it on the record in your own words.

• Consider your options. If in a church trial you believe you might change enough minds to ward off execution, consider proceeding.

• Support your case with Holy Scripture. In a trial, you will be doomed without sufficient evidence from the Bible, history, and church doctrine.

• If the above steps fail, consider recanting. You could be wrong.

2. Avoid practicing witchcraft.

Witchcraft is considered a form of heresy, since it depends upon powers other than God and the authority of the church. Practicing witchcraft does not include wearing Halloween costumes or reading books about wizards.

3. Avoid getting nabbed in a political uprising.

Historically, persons who posed a political threat were sometimes burned at the stake. Or crucified.

Be Aware

• If you find yourself in a situation where being burned at the stake poses an imminent threat, try wearing flame-retardant material.

• If there is no hope of escape, request dry wood and plenty of dry kindling. Green wood burns slower, smokier, and at lower temperatures, causing a more painful death.